I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
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hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
Sooo many times…..
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room