My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
You Might Also Like
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
The glory of fall.
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now