COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
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“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits