MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
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Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
how to have an accident 101
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
This fish is cracking me up
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds