Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
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* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
That’s incredible! 👌
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!