[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
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Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
watergate? u mean a dam??
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name