You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
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*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
I see your IQ test came back negative
wildest thing to me about parenting is you can call poison control and be like, “hi, i just found my toddler with a clorox bleach pen in their mouth and it’s empty. what do i do?” and poison control is basically like, “do they seem fine?” like i could have called any boomer.
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”