tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
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airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band