It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
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The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
I hope google does well on my son’s test