can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
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To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
Note to self: always read the final line
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*