But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
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girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.