Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
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None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.