When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
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Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
Close call…
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
Wikigenius
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait