[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
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A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
Aight bet
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
The “research” scene in every horror movie
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired