“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
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everywhere a sign. ⚠️
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
that’s really how it is
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
iPhone X
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
This is hilarious….
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.