[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
You Might Also Like
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?