Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
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DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
“Huge”.
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
Social distancing in Australia:
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks