If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
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German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?