TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
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Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.