Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
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ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
“A little help here, Danny?”
Des Moines Police having a normal one
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.