[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
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Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
☺️
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
How dude HOW?!
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”