coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
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*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.