Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
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Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.