Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
You Might Also Like
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
I gave up going to work for lent.
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
Monday?
No. Next question.
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday