No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
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I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
the three branches of government
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
I’m tired tomorrow.
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
I tell my kids to charge their iPads and then I charge them cause who’s really punished when they’re dead?
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
How is it still this week?
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.