I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
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closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
What the hell is going on?
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”