Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
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The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.