Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
You Might Also Like
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”