Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
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I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
At my elementary “graduation” my teacher was retiring, and the teacher giving the speech kept saying the event was about her, which was odd. But now my family has a running joke with every graduation, award, wedding etc where we go “Congrats, but really this is about Ms.—–“
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink