Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
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I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.