Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
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My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
Oh my god
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
THE AUDACITY. 😤
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya