Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
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I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
This sounds bad:
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
smh
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot