Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
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Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
Muppet Screams
What a website
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”