WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
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Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!