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i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
“I’m requesting the book for you now. Which library location would you like to pick it up from?”
“I’m really busy this week — could you bring it to my house?”
“I’m sorry, we don’t have the capacity to do that.”
“I understand, that makes sense. How about my neighbor’s house?”
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
I’m awake but I object,
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now