Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
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Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
An odd boast
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
These aren’t even hard anymore.
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.