I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
You Might Also Like
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here