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I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.