*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
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“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
Short notice, but does anyone fancy spending a month on a private island in the Maldives? I’m looking for someone to join me ASAP as I’d prefer to leave this Sunday. Must have a private island in the Maldives, otherwise you’re wasting my time.
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
How software testing works
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job