Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
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Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana