I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
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Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
Sending in my taxes
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking