Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
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I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!