I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
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establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
Parent (who is a nurse):
Sorry I laughed but your kid is funny! When he was down & hurt in the game & I checked him, I said, “That’s a big gash on your knee.” He said, “It’s my ankle.” I felt it & said “I think it’s okay” & he said, “That’s good, ma’am, but it’s my other ankle.”
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
Spa day..😅
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws