Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
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Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
Breaking news:
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
Didn’t make an insurance claim after a car accident because my dashcam footage recorded me singing Summer of 69 really badly when the collision happened.
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot