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My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.