Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
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when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.