Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
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I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?