Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
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What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.