FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
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Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete