First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
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Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
Anime is real
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.